Clarity of Heart
by chocolatequeen
Summary: Archer discovers T'Pol was addicted to Trellium. AT friendly
1. Default Chapter

Title: Clarity of Hearts Author: Chocolatequeen Rating: G/PG Genre: Angst/Romance Spoilers: Stigma, The Expanse, Harbinger, and Damage Summary: "Regret for wasted time in more wasted time." –Mason Cooley A/N: I re-read You Made Me by Mana one night, and it inspired this. :)  
  
Part 1: Pride and Prejudice  
  
The only light in the quiet cabin came from the small candle in the middle of the floor. Though the woman staring into its flame tried to ignore the shadows it cast on the walls, the combined effects of withdrawal and stress diminished her ability to compartmentalize.  
  
Behind her bed, the small reading light had turned into an arm reaching out to grab her. The chair against the wall became a predator, lurking in the shadow. The entire familiar confines of her own quarters had transformed into a prison for her over active imagination, and she desperately needed to get free of it.  
  
Extinguishing the candle, she rose to her feet and exited the cabin. The well-lit corridor banished most of her demons, and she moved quickly, heading for one of the few places on Enterprise that had been left sacrosanct to her despite this mission.  
  
As she had expected at such a late hour, the observation lounge was empty. The lights were low, but the shadows here did not frighten her. They were old friends, memories of other times she had stood here and watched the stars go by.  
  
For the first time since her captain had left in the insectoid vessel two weeks ago, she felt herself relax. Between the drug-induced emotional haze and the subsequent symptoms of withdrawal, her control had been tightly stretched of late, straining to keep her Vulcan stoicism. Here in this place there was no one to impress, no need to hold back her own reactions to recent events.  
  
The relief she felt was overwhelming. Recognizing it for the emotion it was, she attempted to divorce herself from it, but she soon found that was impossible. It was too strong and she was too weak, still affected by the Trellium-D. The doctor's warning that she might never regain full control of her emotions came to mind, and a small fission of fear shot through her.  
  
If she could no longer function within the mores for acceptable Vulcan behavior, was there a place for her with her people? She had already been made an outcast once by her Pa'Nar Syndrome, and though she had been cleared of wrong-doing, the stigma had not fully lifted before Earth had been attacked. It was likely that her actions of defiance against the High Command had only furthered the negative opinion some held of her, and if they were to learn she had willingly experimented with emotions...  
  
The sudden swell of anger caught her off guard. How could anyone hold such narrow views and claim they were ruled by logic? Where is the logic in condemning something you've never experienced, or in refusing to aid a mission of galactic importance?  
  
With supreme effort, she managed to rein in her turbulent emotions before she became destructive. When she had begun using the Trellium-D, it had been the positive emotions she had sought. Pleasure, joy, amusement—she couldn't get enough of them. She hadn't foreseen the negative emotions; the anger and fear.  
  
They were there though, the despair just as strong as the elation. In an effort to eliminate them, she had refined the substance, but the only result was an even more violent roller coaster of emotions. She had learned to anticipate the lows that followed the highs, and the illogical behavior associated with both.  
  
The incident in his ready room came to mind, bringing with it an uncomfortable flood of embarrassment. What must he think of her, throwing a tantrum simply because she didn't agree with his decision? They had disagreed many times, but as he had said, she had never taken it out on his desk before.  
  
Her recent behavior concerned him, she knew that. He hadn't pushed for an explanation yet, but he would; and what would she do then? She did not want to face his disappointment when he learned she had used a potentially toxic substance to test her emotions, or when he learned who she had used done that experiment with.  
  
Would he understand that her decision to take the Trellium-D had been made while she was still under its influence? Would he accept the fact that once she started, Trip was her only option for a partner? Would he let her explain at all, or would he despise her?  
  
When she had first been exposed to the Trellium-D, the person she was closest to physically was Commander Tucker. Since Vulcan emotions are most commonly expressed in a tactile manner, he was the logical choice for her experiment, or so she had told herself. In reality, she did not want to risk censure and losing the drug if she told anyone, so she simply channeled the new-found emotions into an already existing relationship.  
  
To her dissatisfaction, Trip's emotions did not provide the evenness she needed. He'd met her fierceness with heat of his own, spiraling them both up higher instead of calming her down. Upon making that discovery she had backed off, her disappointment ruling when she had told him he was merely an experiment.  
  
How different it had been when she had revealed her raw emotions to the captain. Instead of going along for the ride, he had reacted with a quiet concern. In his ready room, where she had expected further harsh words, he had seemed to realize what his emotions were doing to hers. The steadiness of his reply had given her the strength she'd needed to gather her control. For the first time, she had understood the importance of the marriage bond to her people, and she had regretted not sharing her emotions with him from the start.  
  
Regret. Another emotion with which she had become intimately familiar. Regret that she had experimented with the Trellium-D and hurts Trip in the process, regret that she had allowed herself to become addicted.  
  
But what she regretted most was that her pride still would not allow her to approach the captain with the situation. She did not want to appear to him as a weak woman who needed his help, because she knew that no matter what he thought of her and her actions, he would give it. She did not want his pity, she wanted so much more.  
  
At least, that had been her thought two days ago. But now, as she let the peace of open space calm her, she wondered if she should let her pride rule her like this. After all, pride was an emotion, and it was one she could take action to control.  
  
For the first time in months, T'Pol felt like she was making a truly logical decision. Sometimes soon she would tell him what had been happening to her, and then they could proceed from there.  
  
Once that decision was made, she felt a lightness of spirit she hadn't realized she'd been missing. The nagging worries and fears slipped into the background, and she thought the shadows would probably disappear from her room too. Taking one last look through the porthole behind her, she left the observation to return to bed, her heart clear at last. 


	2. 2

Part 2: Where Chaos is King  
  
The 20th century movie Star Wars had indicated that a ship was going to light speed by having the stars fade to star lines. Though Enterprise was clipping along at warp three, Jon could still see each individual star from where he sat in his ready room.  
  
He had been a star-gazer all his life. His favorite childhood memories were of going to the beach with his father late at night and learning the stars by name. as captain of this ship, he would often gain strength from the serenity he saw in these stars, or simply relax while enjoying their beauty.  
  
He'd been born for this role, everyone said so. But now that it had been his for almost three years, he found himself unwilling to leave the relative safety of his ready room to explore the strange new world his ship had morphed into.  
  
Even the stars didn't hold the answer to the things that had been happening lately. They couldn't tell him why Trip, his normally easy-going, cheerful engineer, was showing signs of mild depression, nor could they explain why T'Pol—logical, detached T'Pol—was easily agitated, prone to outbursts, and overtly emotional.  
  
The gravity of their mission had changed all of them, but these two were downright disconcerting. Instead of one aspect of their personality being heightened, it was as if they had completely changed  
  
He wasn't worried about Trip, figuring the anticipation of stopping the Xindi was probably forcing him to deal with his grief over Lizzie's death. In fact, he was glad his friend was finally starting to show some emotional response to what had happened—keeping the pain in this long might even be part of the reason he'd changed recently.  
  
T'Pol was a different matter altogether. Besides the fact that he had no idea what to ay to an emotional Vulcan, her feelings of agitation seemed to be getting stronger, more out of control. Thrice in the last two weeks he'd witnessed her emotions so close to the surface that they almost spilled over, and that worried him.  
  
The first two times he'd pushed aside the niggling concerns, convincing himself it was just the pressures of the job. Her plea that he not leave, that she didn't want to lose him, had touched him. There was something immensely gratifying about hearing the words he had once given her coming from her lips.  
  
And in sickbay? No one knew better than him how upsetting it could be to lose people when you were sitting in the captain's seat. Surely that was why her hand had been shaking slightly when they had talked.  
  
Now he wasn't convinced he'd read either of those incidents correctly. T'Pol had been concerned for his safety before, and she had regretted lost crew members, but she'd never let it show. She'd certainly never thrown a temper tantrum in his ready room, no matter how aggravating she found his decisions.  
  
Part of his responsibilities as captain was to look out for the general well-being of the crew. More than anything, that was what was keeping him here, staring out at the stars when there was work to be done. He needed to figure out what was going on with T'Pol, for the safety of the ship if nothing else. If her judgment was hampered, they would all be in danger.  
  
However, it was more than duty that placed in him a need to know what was happening to her. He was concerned for her. Her apparent vulnerability had sparked in him a need to take care of her, to protect her from harm. For a Vulcan to display such strong emotion, there must be something seriously wrong, and it was driving him crazy not knowing what it was.  
  
His understanding of Vulcan culture had kept him from asking though. After showing such a lack of control, she was sure to be embarrassed, and if there was one thing he'd learned, it was that it's easier to squeeze blood from a rock than to get an embarrassed T'Pol to talk.  
  
Somehow, he had a feeling Phlox knew what was going on, but he would never break doctor-patient confidentiality just because the captain was worried. If he could come up with a reason that he needed to know... but that wasn't likely. He was on his own with this one.  
  
Leaning back in his chair, he tried to pinpoint when he'd first observed a difference in her behavior. A few weeks ago there'd been noticeable tension between her and Trip, which he had pointedly ignored. He'd intuitively known that if T'Pol ever released her emotions, they would wash over the recipient like a tidal wave. In his dreams, he had allowed himself to imagine that he would be the one to experience them, and the idea that another man might have instead made him sick.  
  
He'd been right though—from the moment she was exposed to the Trellium-D, her emotions were a force to be reckoned with. Once they got back to Enterprise, she pulled them under control, but she'd never returned to the completely impassive first officer he'd known for two years. In fact, she'd grown gradually more impetuous and occasionally had acted irrationally.  
  
Jon suddenly felt like a man who'd been unable to see the forest for all the trees. There was a likely cause to her emotional upheaval, one he'd never thought to consider. Phlox had given her a clean bill of health, but maybe there were residual effects, or maybe... No. Surely she wouldn't be foolish enough to purposely use a substance she knew was fatal.  
  
He looked to the stars, hoping to find something that would disprove the suspicion growing in the pit of his stomach, but this time they held no answers for him. Shaking his head, he reached over and hit a button, turning his comm on. "Archer to Tucker... Trip, I've got something I need you to check on..." 


	3. 3

Part 3: Elementary, My Dear Commander  
  
"Tucker to Archer."  
  
The comm started Jon out of his meandering thoughts. Pushing the button, he said, "Go ahead Trip, what did you find?"  
  
The slight hesitation coming from the engineer told him all he needed to know. "I'd like to discuss this with ya in person, if ya don't mind Cap'n," Trip replied, his voice serious.  
  
"I'm in my ready room Trip."  
  
"I'll see ya in five minutes sir," Trip said and ended the connection.  
  
As soon as the comm went silent, Jon jumped to his feet and started pacing in front of his desk, trying to calm down. "Get the facts first Jon," he cautioned himself. "It won't do anyone any good if you go off half-cocked, making accusations you can't back up. You could be reading the whole thing wrong," he added, trying to convince himself. "Oh, but if I'm not..."  
  
"Come!" he commanded when his door chimed.  
  
"Well?" he asked Trip once the door was shut.  
  
The younger man stared straight ahead, not wanting to look him in the eye. "You were right sir," he said with an evenness of tone that would make a Vulcan proud.  
  
When the captain had called him earlier and asked him check the amount of Trellium-D left, compared to how much should be left, he had been puzzled. Then when he'd explained that he suspected T'Pol had been purposely exposing herself to the substance, he'd been insulted, for her sake as well as his own.  
  
The whole time he'd been checking the logs and weighing the remaining Trellium, he'd told himself there was no way T'Pol would do something like that. Where was the logic in purposely exposing yourself to a toxic material?  
  
What he hadn't wanted to think about was what this might imply about their short-lived relationship. If she'd been under the influence of a mind- altering drug, then none of what happened between them was real, at least not as real as it had been for him.  
  
However, when he'd seen the concrete evidence, it had been impossible to deny it any longer. He had to accept that she hadn't ever felt anything more than friendship for him that was not the effect of Trellium... he had to accept it, but his pride didn't have to like it.  
  
He was intent on doing his duty and nothing more. Right now, the man who had forced him to see what his relationship had really been was simply his captain, not his best friend. The sound of air whooshing out of Jon's lungs surprised him though, and he looked up in time to see the faintest emotion—sadness maybe—flicker across his face.  
  
"How much?" Jon asked quietly, turning to stare at the stars.  
  
And then Trip understood. The request hadn't been made on a whim, he'd had an instinct that something was wrong with her, and he'd cared enough to find out what it was. "About three kilos sir, that's why we didn't notice it when we weighed the stuff we left for that ship."  
  
"You're sure?" Jon questioned.  
  
"Travis and Malcolm mined 77 kilos of it, we just gave away 60, and there are only 14 left. There's no mistake Cap'n."  
  
This time, the emotion—fear—wouldn't be driven away. Through his reflection in the glass, Trip could see him close his eyes momentarily, fighting against it, but it remained just below the surface. "How much does it take to... I mean, is that enough, or will she..."  
  
When he didn't finish the question, Trip took pity on him. "I don't know Cap'n, but I'm guessing she'll be fine. Those Vulcans on the Seleya were exposed to a whole lot more, and it was over a long period of time."  
  
He paused for a moment, wondering if he should ask the question on his mind. Deciding it was worth the risk, he said, "Cap'n, how'd you know? I mean, when you asked me to check if any Trellium-D was missing, I thought you'd gone nuts; one too many hits from that reptilian maybe. But you were right. How'd you know?"  
  
Jon turned back around and picked the paperweight up off his desk, tossing it in the air and catching it before setting it back down. "It was just a hunch, Trip," he said then, taking a seat and indicating he should do the same. When he had, he continued. "I noticed T'Pol was acting unusually emotional, and as I thought about it, I realized she hadn't been herself since her initial exposure to Trellium-D."  
  
"At least you realized it was unusual," Trip muttered.  
  
"What do you mean?" Jon asked.  
  
Trip squirmed in his seat before answering. This was not how he'd imagined telling his captain about the brief affair he'd had with T'Pol, and now that he suspected his friend harbored feelings for his ex-lover, he wasn't sure he should say anything. But when he took a look at him, he saw that although Jon didn't really want to hear it, Captain Archer needed to know.  
  
"I shoulda figured it out myself," he admitted. "I was the one... in a relationship with her," he said. It was clear from the way Jon winced that the polite phrasing hadn't hidden the meaning at all. "Look Jon," he started, intent on apologizing.  
  
"That will be all Commander," Jon said brusquely.  
  
He rose from his seat without a word, his impression of the feelings the captain held for the science officer confirmed. When he got to the door, he turned slightly and said, "For what it's worth, she ended it, not me."  
  
"Why would that matter?" Jon asked hoarsely.  
  
"Because she still had emotions that needed to be expressed... she just didn't want to be expressin' them with me," he said quietly, and then he was gone.  
  
Jon stared at the door for a long moment after he left, pondering that statement. Trip had confirmed everything he'd been afraid of about the relationship he'd shared with T'Pol, and yet now he was saying she didn't really want him? How could that be possible? She wasn't the type of woman to be roped into a quick roll in the hay for convenience sake, so there had to be something more...  
  
But right now, he had bigger concerns. How was he going to respond to this new information? In the hour in between his original call to Trip and the conversation they'd just had, he'd gone from wishing to hoping to begging that he was wrong, that she hadn't been using Trellium-D. She had been though, and now he needed to confront her about it.  
  
Part of him wanted to rip her apart for being so stupid. How could she willingly risk her life like that? Didn't she know what losing her would do to him... to the ship?  
  
The fact that his first thought was of himself told him that wasn't the answer. His feelings were not the most important thing at stake... her life was. So much would be lost if she was lost, and just because for some incomprehensible reason she had to play with emotions.  
  
Then he realized what he needed to do. Before he could go in with guns blazing, he needed to understand what had made her do it. He had to know what had been going through her mind... through her heart.  
  
Right now his own emotions were a jumbled mess, and he suddenly longed to be able to meditate them away as the Vulcans did. It would make this conversation so much easier if he...  
  
And then he knew how he needed to handle it, how he could approach her so they were on equal ground. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was just after 8:00 pm. She should be in her quarters... now was the perfect time. 


	4. 4

Chapter 4: Follow Your Heart  
  
The door chime startled T'Pol out of her slight trance. "Come in," she said, moving to stand when she saw the captain enter her quarters.  
  
"No, please don't get up," Jon said, waving her back down. "I'd actually like to join you down here if that's all right with you," he said, taking a seat on the floor and giving her an hesitant look.  
  
"You are welcome to sit with me Captain," she said, crossing her legs and staring into the flame. "I am unsure why you would want to however."  
  
He shrugged, saying, "I've got a lot on my mind right now. I was hoping you could run through some meditation techniques, just something that would clear my mind so I knew what I was thinking."  
  
Instead of agreeing, she rose quickly and moved away from the candles. "T'Pol?" he asked quietly, wondering what he'd said wrong.  
  
"The last time I used Vulcan methods to calm a human, the results were... less than satisfactory," she told him. "Perhaps it would be better for both of us if you sought out a human answer to your human problem."  
  
Despite his best efforts, Jon felt anger stir in him at her stereotypical comment. "My human problem?" he quizzed. "I thought we'd gotten past the labels T'Pol... Three years together and you can still dismiss emotion as a human setback? Well I hate to break it to you, but you've been displaying some emotions of your own lately," he bit out.  
  
"Yes, I have," she replied stridently. "It is for that reason that I suggested you talk to someone else. I am not in a situation to help you right now."  
  
"You didn't hesitate when it was Trip that needed help," he retorted, the words leaving his mouth before he had time to think about what he was saying.  
  
T'Pol's eyes widened in surprise. "Of all the things for him to mention, he brings up my personal life? What business is it of his anyway?" she wondered, anger welling up within her.  
  
"I should have known you would be unable to understand," she muttered, turning away from him.  
  
"Understand what?" he demanded. "T'Pol, don't ignore me," he warned when she didn't answer, "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere until you explain yourself. What am I not able to understand?"  
  
The harshness in his tone fueled her own rapidly growing emotions. "You are human, there are many things you are not able to understand," she sneered.  
  
"Yes there are!" Jon yelled, his frustration at the breaking point. "I don't understand why a normally smart, rational woman could think that a brash human would be a good partner for emotional experiments. I don't understand how that Vulcan could be persuaded to risk her life for the sake of something she claimed she didn't have. What could possess a responsible officer to do things that would endanger her fellow crew, and break the trust she held with her captain?"  
  
He looked at her for a moment, his anger spent. "Can you explain it to me T'Pol?" he asked wearily.  
  
"You know about the Trellium," she realized.  
  
"Yes, I know about the Trellium," he answered, his temper rising again. "What were you thinking? You know it's toxic for Vulcans, why on earth would you decide to experiment with it anyway?"  
  
"It was very illogical, I agree," she said quietly.  
  
"Illogical? T'Pol, it was foolhardy! You saw the kind of damage Trellium-D can do to Vulcans, you experienced a taste of it yourself."  
  
"I believe that is why I did it Captain," she said, interrupting his tirade.  
  
"Wha... you used the Trellium because you knew it could kill you?" he asked, completely confused.  
  
"No, because I had experienced it's... mind-altering powers. I have come to the conclusion that I was not entirely myself when I began voluntarily taking it," she informed him, painfully aware of how weak that she sounded. Vulcans did not make excuses for their behavior, and yet here she had done just that. Embarrassed by both her words and her actions, she turned away from him.  
  
Jon placed his hands behind him on the floor and leaned back, taking a close look at his first officer. He noted the stiff way she held herself, and the fatigue lines this mission had drawn around her eyes. He saw how her hands were clinched into fists as she fought to keep her emotions restrained, and for the first time since learning of her experiment with Trellium-D, he could see what it had done to her without blaming her for it. Unsure how he should continue, he simply stared at her for another moment, allowing the tenderness he felt for her to control his actions.  
  
For her part, T'Pol was growing increasingly uncomfortable with his intense perusal. She had been on the edge of peace before he entered her quarters, but every minute spent in his presence was throwing her equilibrium off. All previous thoughts about casting aside her pride and telling him what was happening were ignored in light of the pressing urge to get away from him.  
  
"Well, if that is all Captain..." she said, trying to end the visit.  
  
"T'Pol, don't push me away," he appealed, rising to his feet and moving to stand in front of her again. "I didn't come here to argue with you," he told her.  
  
"Then why did you come?" she questioned.  
  
"I came... I came because I needed to know why you did it," he admitted. "I needed to understand before I could forgive you. Does that make sense?" he asked, suddenly nervous that his motivations were beneath him.  
  
To his relief, she nodded slowly. "Yes, I believe—from what I have learned of human emotions—I believe it does. Are we... alright?" she asked, the colloquialism sounding strange on her lips.  
  
He smiled slightly and said, "Yes... I believe we are. Good-night T'Pol. If you ever need help coping with your emotions, you know where to find me," he told her, leaving her cabin.  
  
He stood out in the corridor for a moment, staring at the door and thinking about the conversation they'd just had. For the first time since he'd first suspected the nature of her relationship with Trip, he felt like he could move past that. He'd faced the hurt and learned where it had come from, and now he could go on with life. "And hopefully I can convince her to join me," he murmured as he walked toward his own cabin.  
  
For her part, T'Pol was wholly confused about what had just happened. None of the flash-emotions she'd shared with Commander Tucker had prepared her for the depth of feeling invoked by this one encounter. That scared her in a way, since she didn't know what to do with them. However, for the first time since being exposed to Trellium-D, she felt like she could handle them. "As long as he is willing to help me," she added softly, sitting down in front of her candle to continue her meditation. 


End file.
